Christian Advice

Bossy Boss

Dear Pastor Jeff,

I have been following Jesus for the last 22 years though I have fallen many, many times and Jesus has picked me up.

I'm from a broken home (father used to abuse my mom) and my only closest relative is my mom who is a committed Christian but unable to go to church due to transport issues - handicapped. praise god he has taken care of us thus far. For the past 2 years I have been working as a clerical asst under a committed Christian lady heavily involved in community service. She has repeatedly invited us to attend her church. I have always made excuses as she and her church members are well-to-do and I know mom and I would not fit in. Recently she forced the issue by calling my mom and inviting herself and her home fellowship members to my home. After visiting my home, my boss has 'talked' to me several times about moving from my present home and how I'm not being a good daughter to my mom by not making it easier for her to go to church.
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I cannot afford to lose my job as I'm 45 and what I earn is barely enough for mom and me to live on (renting a flat). We have no other financial means or support. I agreed to move so that my mom could go to church and my boss said that her church could provide a nanny's position for my mom to earn a little pocket money. The new home is twice the distance from my current home but I was happy to do it if my mom could be taken care of. However the nanny's job did not materialize and my boss insist that I move despite me telling her that I cannot afford the move and commuting to work would take a toll on my finances. 2 days ago my boss screamed at me in front of the entire office saying things that I'm a negative person who cannot change, ungrateful and an unpleasant person to look at in the office. I did not reply or say anything as I did not want to lose my job. There has never been any complaints about my work. My human resource mgr who is not a Christian did not want to involve herself stating that this was a religious matter between me and my boss. My colleagues who feel embarrassed have warned me that my boss doesn't want me around anymore as she has been passing remarks. According to her, all committed Christians who truly believe in Christ do not lead such miserable lives and I'm an embarrassment to her department.

I have never asked for money or anything from my boss instead I have always kept a low profile. I lead a clean life as being the eldest I took care of my younger brother and mother. My brother has left home to pursue his own interests.

Pastor Jeff, I came to Jesus because in his word, he said that he came to save the poor, sick, broken-hearted etc. His word says that he will always accept me. What is my crime?

Please help. Broken-hearted.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email.

I do not think you have committed any crime. You should be able to attend whichever church you want, without fear of reprisals at work.

Your boss should ask your forgiveness for treating you badly. Be sure to follow the instructions of our Lord in Matthew 18:15-18 and Galatians 6:1. Be respectful to her, but ask her to treat you in a professional manner.

Your boss may think that truly committed Christians do not suffer. That is a mistake.

You may want to talk to your human resources manager and ask for a transfer to another department.

In the meantime, continue to trust in the Lord and His word. If you do, you will always be accepted by God, and you will have nothing to fear.

Pastor Jeff

Unloved

Dear Pastor Jeff,

My life is really complicated and has very many different extreme dynamics which have caused me permanent emotional and physical trauma.

Just for some background my adversary here on earth is my older brother Clinton. From childhood he has taken great pleasure in mental and physical torture. I use the word torture to it's fullest extent as it is appropriate to my case, let me share with you some of his tamer faults. During my severe depression during my parent's divorce, which my brother blames me for, he told me every day that I was going to hell and I'd make the world a better place by killing myself. He was older, bigger, and stronger and I never had a chance to defend myself from his incessant physical and emotional abuse. When he dislocated my shoulder by throwing me down a flight of stairs, my mother and Clinton kicked me out because I used swear words. I was sixteen and living out of my car as my dad was never available even though he lived very close. I told everyone, was staying at friends, told their parents. Nobody did anything. My mom spread a rumor at our church that I had tried to attack her and that's when Clinton stepped in. My mom has hit me many times with many objects and I have never struck her. She made it clear if I ever hit her back she'd call the police on me. I caught her on the phone one time asking her lawyer if she still would receive child support if she placed me in a group home. I never drank, did drugs, or had sex in high school, my only fault was my mouth.

This is only the beginning and as you nor I have time to write/read a novel I do have a point. I have through distance and many years of silence, slowly been trying to build a relationship with my mother. I have been going through a cancer scare which isn't over by any means and my mother again betrayed my trust by giving this information to the entire family, which she promised to me she would not. That is just the icing on the crap cake. She has done many many other things that I will not go into or I fear I will cry incessantly and be unable to stop.

Where do I go from here? I can't have friends because I distrust everybody and I have always been the scapegoat child and everyone hates me unless they want something from me in which case they call every 6 months or so.

I have accepted Christ as my savior and through my relationship with him have begun to understand that I am not doomed to hell as my brother believes. Clinton became a minister by the way, married into a rich family which gives him another form of superiority to use in evil ways. He has not changed in any regard. Last year he shoulder checked me, in my bad shoulder that he'd previously dislocated, at our grandfather's funeral in front of my husband and my friend who came with me. How can I call this a "family" when they let someone behave in such ways without reproach or conscience? They care not as long as it does not affect them.

I want to forgive, but how can I as they constantly bombard me with such injustices on a regular basis when I am in there presence??? I know we are to have Christ's love and forgiveness, but I'm not Christ, I'm not perfect and know I never shall be. Every ache in my body has a terrible memory attached to it's original injury, my own body will not let me forget. I have this hope that people will change but how many times until I can stop trying for my own physical and mental well-being? I just can't try anymore. I've tried to become grounded in a church but again my trust is never gained and someone always behaves terribly towards me because of my appearance and I cannot feel comfortable enough to even open my mouth in an attempt to get to know anyone who is in that circle of gossip. I still have nightmares about my older brother and it's almost been 10 years since we've spoken.

Any advice you may have I will gladly examine as I am sick of living this way.

Thanks,

Dana

Dear Dana,

Thank you for your email.

I am very sorry that you are going through these difficulties. Since you are a Christian, I hope you are experiencing the love, peace, comfort and consolation only God can give.

No one has the right to abuse you. The physical and mental abuse you have received is outrageous and wicked. Your mother and your brother should repent of their sins immediately.

Follow the instructions Jesus taught us in Matthew 18:15-18. Gently and firmly rebuke your brother privately. Then, if he will not listen to you, take one or two godly and mature Christians with you, and talk to him again. Encourage him to seek forgiveness from God and from you. Do this with a loving attitude. Your goal is to win him to the Lord and to help him to grow as a Christian.

Then, do the same thing with your mother. Gently and firmly rebuke your mother privately. Then, if she will not listen to you, take one or two godly and mature Christians with you, and talk to her again. Encourage her to seek forgiveness from God and from you. Do this with a loving attitude. Your goal is to win her to the Lord and to help her to grow as a Christian.

In the meantime, I think you need someone to talk to. Have you spoken to your pastor about these problems? If not, why not? He may be very sympathetic to you, and he may have some ideas about how to help you. If you cannot talk to your pastor, talk to one of the leaders in your church. If that is not an option, talk to one of the other pastors in your area. If you need help to find one, please let me know.

If you ever feel physically threatened, please call the police immediately. Stay safe.

Despite everything you have suffered, you should still love your brother and honor your mother. Do not curse at them. Do not resent them. Do not seek revenge. Pray for your mother and your brother. Ask God to give them the grace they need to live in a godly way. In my opinion, you are not obligated to forgive them, unless and until they actually seek your forgiveness. However, you should still love them, honor them, and pray for them.

I know your situation is very difficult and that you are facing many trials and troubles. Still, I hope you will remember that God is with you and that He is watching over you (Psalm 121). He loves you. In fact, "God is love" (I John 4:8). Know that! Remember that! Seek to please the Lord in all you do, and think of your situation as an opportunity to glorify God with your thoughts and actions. Ask God to guide you.

One more thing: Do not judge all Christians by the actions of a few. I attend a church where people truly love each other. I hope you will find the same love and comfort that I have found.

Thank you again for your email. Please let me know how things turn out. I am very concerned about you.

Pastor Jeff

To Cook? Or Not To Cook?

Good Afternoon,

I have a question we have a family in the church that has gone through some difficulty in several areas of their lives. They lost their house about 2 years reason for that was they bit off more then they could chew, that is what the husband is saying. So then they moved into another house and lived their for a year or so and had to move again. Well, 5 months later their basement catches on fire, and soon after that their daughter who just started college last fall ended up pregnant. The husband has had one heart attack the last year and then had difficulty again with his heart but it wasn’t a heart attack. At that time the Pastor went over and talked to the man while he was in the hospital and told him he needed to be committed to the things of GOD and lead his family. So after that several months later he had a pace maker put into his heart to help him. During the last 3-4 years he had cheated on his wife, which happened while they were members of another church. I guess you could say that their family just has never been tied into the church on a regular. They may come once a month his wife may come to bible study once or twice a month. But they are not tied into ministry, the church helped them during the time their house caught on fire which was a good thing.

But here is the question: Where does the church draw the line and say let GOD be GOD and handle the situation…or is the church supposed to continue to come to the families rescue?

I guess what provoked me to write is that the pastor called around and asked all the deacons to have their wives to cook dinner one night out of the week for the family while he’s in the hospital recovering from the pace maker being put in.

I'm not GOD but I can only assume that GOD is trying to get their attention through all of this.

Dear Friend,

I am very glad, and thankful to God, that your pastor wants to help this family in their time of need. I hope your whole church, but especially the deacons and their wives, will make the most of this God-given opportunity to help this family.

Remember what Jesus taught us in Matthew 22:39: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." I hope you will cheerfully help this poor family any way you can. Do not grumble, murmur or complain, but instead remember that "God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7). You have been given a wonderful opportunity to serve the Lord, by helping the poor among you. I hope the Lord will be glorified through your actions and your thoughts in this situation.

It is even possible that God will use your kindness to touch the hearts of this family, and use you to bring them into a closer relationship to Himself.

Pray for your church. Ask God, in the name of Christ, to give your church the grace it needs to reflect the love of Christ for lost and hurting sinners. Pray also for this poor family.

Pastor Jeff

Picture Problems

Hi Pastor Jeff!

I am Anna and I have a question . Is it ok for you to have a picture from your past relationship for the seek of your kids? because kids wants it? Is it ok for you to have that picture from the past relationship? what can you say? or what can you share me? I need advice!

Thank you.

Hi Anna,

I do not see anything wrong with having a picture like that, unless someone in your life does not like it. Then, you may want to put away the picture, for the sake of your present relationship. Try to make peace with everyone, if you can.

Pastor Jeff

Should People Ask For Advice?

Dear Pastor,

I have many questions, but I’ll ask just 1 right now.

I have a friend that is a Christian. And he goes to his pastor for every decision he has to make. I told him it’s fine to go to his pastor for guidance, but not for every thing. I think the Lord gave us each our mind so that we can make our own life decisions. I told him to pray on the decisions he has to make! He say’s that you have to submit to your pastor. I told him the only time I go to my pastor is when things are really complicated!

Thank you,

Jose

Dear Jose,

Thank you for your email.

It's okay to ask for advice. After all, you asked me for advice, right?

Proverbs 11:14 says, "Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established." Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But he who heeds counsel is wise."

Your friend is right about another thing: Every Christian should submit to his or her pastor. Remember the words of Hebrews 13:17, which says, "Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account." Of course, pastors can be wrong, like everyone else, so we need to be careful to examine their teaching in the light of the Bible. Only the Bible is infallible. But sometimes, pastors have insights no one else has.

Of course, Christians should also pray. I agree with that. But getting advice from others is also wise.

Pastor Jeff

Wants to Leave Parents

Pastor Jeff,

My family has been neglect me for pretty long time about few years... except my grandparents (my father's side) who are very supportive persons and being there for me. They gave me money even though I told them not to. They kept giving me anyway. They always concern and thought about me.

My real mother has been changed since her side parents died. My step mother became more focus on her own side family including my father. My father treats me all right but the problem is that he has been stuck position because my mother is very controlling person in the family. I have been struggling for trying to be close to my family. Last year my mother transfered from her job to a new job into my hometown where I was born and raised. My mother brought a home and live alone right now.

I am only one Christian attending to church and I have been praying for my family to come and know Jesus as their personal savior. I kept believing and know they are in God's hand.

My friends thought I should move on and leave out of my family. So I can focus on my life and God.

I have a black Christian boyfriend in a long distance. I have known him since few years. I met him at the church where I attend and had a ministry there for a year. We get along pretty along and fine with him. He recently told me that he wants to marry me. I am happy to be married to him. I have no problem with that even though I grew up in white lifestyle and culture. I have had several past white boyfriends. But I know God made us who we are so I accept him as black person. I never told my family about him because I am afraid that they will not accept because he is black.

Because I have been neglected by my family for long time, my friends thought I should move on and have a new life with God. But then sudden, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. I was thinking that I should be out of family for good. I can move on and marry him. Is that a good idea? Or what? For your information, my mother told me twice in my life that she does not want me to marry black. I remember one time about few years ago, I asked my step sister if it is okay if I happen to marry black man. She said no even though she had experience dating black before in her life. I did not have chance to ask her to explain me why.

I am trying to think carefully and procedure to make right decision about marrying him or not. You know what I mean?

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email.

How old are you? Your age is an important factor to consider. If you are under 18 years of age, you should probably wait to get married.

Furthermore, you should not get married, if your motivation to be married is a desire to leave your parents' household.

There is nothing wrong with a white woman marrying a black man. True, your friends and your family may not want you to do this, and you must consider how they would react, but the Bible does not say that such a thing is wrong.

Have you talked to your pastor about all this? If not, I strongly suggest that you do so. He may have some good advice for you. If talking to your pastor is not possible, talk to one of the mature leaders of your church. You need to get good advice from someone who knows you well before you make a drastic decision, like whether to get married. In fact, you should probably go through pre-marital counseling before getting married.

Whatever you do, be sure to honor your mother. This does not mean you should agree with everything she says or does; in fact, you may be forced to disobey her, in order to obey God. Still, you should try to honor her with everything you say and do.

Above all, put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. Ask God, in the name of Jesus, to give you grace and wisdom. Ask God to help you to know what to do.

Pastor Jeff

Irreconcilable Differences?

Dear Pastor Jeff,

My family and I have been going to a small church for some time now. We do love it and have made many wonderful friends. I had a conflict with a senior member (who has since become a pastor within our church) while serving. Our mentor type relationship which was very friendly, through much prayer and forgiveness is now friendly and distant. Other friends of ours are related to this pastor and have since distanced themselves from us socially. I have read that sometimes you have to distance yourselves from people in order to not be held back, and being on the receiving end of this has been hurtful. I am trying my best to get along and ignore the situation. I do know that Jesus loves me too. He died on the cross for me too. I just hate the awkward feelings, rejection feelings, and feeling like a "bad Christian" not good enough to be a friend. I sometimes feel like maybe we should go to another church for a fresh start, but I know my husband wants to stay. I do know that I need to submit to him and stay too and that we need to be in agreement in this area. I have asked for God to change the situation. The date of the conflict happened in June of last year and it has been such a wearing down experience. I am sure if they were not all such very important members of our church I would have an easier time with this. Any advice and prayers would be much appreciated.

Prayer for help

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email.

Please do everything you can to be reconciled to any brother or sister in Christ who has become alienated from you. Remember the words of Hebrews 13:1, which says, "Let brotherly love continue." Do not stop loving your brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Have you spoken to this senior member who has become a pastor within your church? Have you asked him the reasons for the distance between you? If not, why not? It is entirely possible that one of you will need to ask forgiveness from the other, and that forgiveness should be freely given.

Study Matthew 18:15-18 and Galatians 6:1, and put these verses into practice. Go to him privately, when he is likely to be relaxed and receptive to you, and tell him what you have told me. You can even read the email you sent to him, if you like. Tell him you are sorry for any problems or trouble you may have caused, and ask him what has caused the tension between the two of you. Tell him you want to be reconciled to him. If you have commited some sin against him, ask for his forgiveness. On the other hand, if he has sinned against you, gently confront him about that. Be completely humble, gentle and respectful when you speak to him. If you are not satisfied that the problems are solved after you talk to him, then take one or two mature Christians with you and talk to him again. At some point, the leaders in your church may need to become involved.

Yes, Jesus Christ died for you, if you are a Christian. Your sins are forgiven. Live everyday for Him.

Thank you for your email.

Pastor Jeff

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